Truly Blessed

     I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.  I am truly blessed today.  I'm still alive and kicking.  My kids are happy and healthy.  Plus I have friends and family around.  What more could I ask!

Thank God I don't get what I deserve!

     I was sitting in a meeting last night and the thought occurred to me, "Thank God I don't get what I deserve!"  If I got what I really deserved I'd be in a world of hurt.  The way I used to live my life with no regard for myself or others.  I was a train wreck.  A long slow derailment with one car after another piling up on top of each other for years.
     After all the things I've done, I'm actually surprised I'm not dead or in jail.  Countless times driving in a black out where I could have killed myself or someone else.  It wasn't unusual to get out of my car at home not remembering getting there.  That was normal for years.  Endless drug deals, where I was in precarious positions, always with the risk of being arrested before, during or after.  Sometimes my kids were even in the car with me.
     I'm grateful that today I don't live that way anymore.  It seems like a lifetime ago, but I always want to keep the memory fresh so I don't forget where I came from.

Powerlessness

As strange as it may sound, I find a sort of peace and serenity in the idea of powerlessness.  I've come to realize how little I have any power over.  That is freeing in its own way.  I no longer have to be responsible for making sure everything turns out just right.  I know I can't control people, places or things and to try to just makes me crazy, upset and frustrated.  I realize today that I no longer need to live that way.  I don't need to arrange everything on the outside so I can be okay on the inside.  I need to work on the inside so I can be okay with whatever is happening on the outside.

Being of service

    I had the opportunity to be of service this week.  John M called me to see if I could go with him to the Carolina Center to share my experience, strength and hope.  It was a wonderful experience.  Just being able to be helpful is such a joy for me today.  Then, today my sponsor called me to see if I could go to the Phoenix Center Wednesday morning.  As luck would have it I'm off that day.  It's such a delight to be a useful member of society.  Such a difference from the way I used to be.

Acceptance

     Acceptance was the topic of the meeting I went to last night.  It has been instrumental in my recovery.  For me acceptance doesn't mean I agree with or condone everything, just that I acknowledge that things are the way they are at this moment.  From that perspective I can make wise choices based on the way things are, instead of the way I would like them to be.
     A saying that resonates with me is, "The man who argues with reality loses."  I have a disease of perception.  It is important for me to look closely at situations and try to see them from different angles to get an accurate assessment.  My initial thoughts tend to be a bit skewed toward selfishness.  If I act on my first thought, I am setting myself up to have to make an amends later and I don't want that list to grow.  I want to avoid causing anymore harm.  I've already caused enough to last a lifetime and I don't want to live that way anymore.

Just feeling happy today

     Just enjoying the morning feeling happy and relaxed.  I enjoyed watching kid's shows cuddled up with my 4 year old drinking a cup of coffee and feeling blessed to be alive.  I'm glad I can notice when simple things make me happy.

The holidays

     I have been thinking about whether or not to share this here, but the purpose of this blog is to help others.  So here goes.
    This is the first holiday season since my wife passed away in January.  She was one of us and had gone back out.  Life became too dark for her and she intentionally overdosed.  Leaving behind two sons ages 3 and 10 at the time.  We've all been missing her terribly, especially during the holiday season.  My 11 year old is taking it pretty hard.  I've given him all the advice and love I can and have him in therapy, but it's hard to see him suffer.
     I thought the last holiday season was difficult, but at least she was still with us.  Even though she was misbehaving, we really thought she'd get sober again eventually.
     I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, stay close to the fellowship and leave the rest up to my higher power.